How to annoy the Twilight Characters
by lovetwilight2
Summary: Pretty much self-explainatory-SIXTY ways to annoy them!Yeah,that's right,sixty. Last chapter is UP!WARNING:THINGS WILL GET STRANGE AND KIND OF MEAN.READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.not sutible for young children.Read and REVIEW!
1. Edward Cullen!

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of its characters, they are all property of the wonderful Stephenie Meyer!**

**Edward**

1. Burn his piano

2. Burn all of his CD's

3. Or give them to Jacob

4. Burn both his cars

5. Or give them to Jacob to "fix" them

6. Paint his Austin Martin hot pink

7. Tell him it was Bella's idea

8. Advise him to take Lunesta for the insomnia

9. Call him Edie

10. Call him Eddykins

11. Speak to him only in gangsta talk

12. Make _him_ talk like a gangta

13. Make him listen to Rap

14. And country

15. And 70's music

16. And Britney Spears

17. Tell him that Jacob lost control and that Bella is dead

18. Laugh at him as he goes to kill Jacob

19. Offer to call the Airline to get him a ticket to Italy

20. Tell him that while he was away, Jacob got Bella pregnant

21. Tell him Bella when cliff diving

22. With Jacob

23. And that she drowned, so Jacob had to give her mouth to mouth

24. Make him dress up for Halloween as a vampire

25. Make him wear plastic fangs

26. And a cape

27. And a widow's peak

28. Make him eat all of the candy

29. Call him "Dracula"

30. Or "monster"

31. Ask him how come he doesn't have a coffin in his room

32. Ask him if he'll turn into a bat

33. And if they use him to play Baseball

34. Throw garlic at him screaming "DIE! DIE!"

35. Remind him that he doesn't have a soul

36. Tell him that Bella changed her mind and picked Jacob instead

37. Ask him if he's related to the Harry and Ginny Potter, with the green eyes and the red hair

38. Call him "Cedric"

39. Or "Rob"

40. Ask him if he really smacked Kristen's butt **(if you haven't watched the MTV video, then you don't know what i'm talking about. GO WATCH IT!!)**

41. Sing "Smack That" By Akon over and over again in your head when you ask this

42. Call him a stalker because he watches Bella sleep

43. Ask if he's really a virgin

44. Call him the Hundred-Six-Year-Old-Virgin

45. Ask why he hasn't come out of the closet

46. Get him a pack of condoms as a wedding gift

47. Send Jacob a picture of Bella naked

48. Or a picture of _him_ naked

49. You can keep a copy if you want

50. And post it on the internet

51. Get him to go cliff diving

52. With Jacob

53. With no extra clothes

54. Or towels

55. Dye his hair green

56. Puke-like green

57. Ask if he has ever given Bella a hikey

58. Ask if he's going to the Iraq War

59. Make him go out with Jessica and Lauren

60. At the same time

**A/N: so, what do you think? Please let me know and give ideas, up next is Bella!!**

**CLICK THE BUTTON!! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.**


	2. Bella Swan!

**A/N: here is Bella! WARNING: MAY GET A LITTLE DISTURBING AND/OR WEIRD**

**READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of its characters. ****They are the property of Stephenie Meyer**

**Bella**

1. Tell her that Jacob imprinted on Edward

2. And that Edward knows but doesn't want to came out of the closet

3. …Yet

4. Make Alice also plan the honeymoon

5. Tell her that you know were Jacob went, but your not telling

6. but Edward knows and he's gone to kill him

7. and that they both died fighting

8. Call Caius and tell him she's still human

9. Ask her to pretty please film her "honeymoon" cough so that you can see it latter

10. When she says no, cry loudly until she agrees

11. Tell her Victoria has an eviler twin sister

12. Who has a crush on Edward and is coming to steal him away from her

13. Tell her that Edward isn't really a virgin.

14. And that Tanya would know

15. Tell her that Tanya was Edward's girlfriend until she dumped him

16. And Edward still loves Tanya

17. And he's just using her to get Tanya jealous

18. And it worked

19. And that they're getting married

20. Right now

21. And Alice had nothing to do with the wedding

22. And that Edward is going to go live in Alaska with Tanya

23. Laugh as she has an emotional breakdown

24. Tell her that Edward is really a wizard named Cedric Diggory and that he got killed by you-know-who in the fourth movie

25. Don't tell her who You-Know-Who is when she asks

26. Tell her that Edward has a huge crush on Rosalie

27. Because she's blonde

28. And he's cheating with her

29. And Emmett knows

30. So they had a threesome

31. Call her "Kristen"

32. Or "Isabella"

33. Ask if she was okay with Edward slapping her butt

34. Lock Edward with Tanya in room for two months, make sure you're filming them while you wait

35. Show the video to her

36. Lock her in a room with Alice

37. Make sure there are lots of makeover products

38. Tell her the biology teacher has a crush on her

39. Tell her what Edward had to do to-I mean with- Mrs. Cope to get her to change his schedule cough(yeah, it's exactly what your thinking)

40. Make her go on a date with Mike

41. And Tyler

42. And Eric

43. ….and Lauren

44. Steal the bracelet Jacob gave her

45. Show her the picture of the naked Edward that says "I hope you remember me with love, like I will always remember you3"

46. Kill Jacob

47. Kill Edward

48. Kill Charlie

49. Kill Renee

50. DON"T kill Mike

51. Or Jessica

52. …or Lauren

53. Get Jane to torture Edward

54. And Jacob

55. When she's a vampire, get her to join the Volturi

56. Make sure she's Aro's guard

57. Dye her hair Orange

58. Say that it's in loving memory of Victoria

59. Superglue plastic fangs to her teeth

60. Say that it was to help her became a vampire

**A/N: that was Bella, up next is Jacob! this is going to be fun...**

**Remember to REVIEW!**


	3. Jacob Black!

**A/N: Thanks to all you people who reviewed!! And yes, i'm definetly having too much fun with this...**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing!!**

**Jacob**

1. Tell him that, while he was away Leah imprinted on him

2. Tell him that Edward killed Bella

3. But, even thought Bella is dead, she still loves Edward more

4. Give him a copy of Bella's "honeymoon" (cough)

5. Ask him if he's going to the wedding

6. Ask what is he going to give to the newlyweds

7. Ask him if he saw Taha Aki while he was away

8. constantly remind him that Edward has way more fan girls (sorry Jacob lovers, but it's true)

9. make him dress up as a werewolf for Halloween

10. throw silver spoons at him

11. and silver knifes

12. Make sure they're pointy

13. make him play fetch with you

14. Call him "Chief Jacob"

15. Call him "Beta"

16. Call him "Remus"

17. Tell him Sirius is coming to marry him

18. Get him drunk

19. Get him to streak naked

20. Take a picture of him streaking

21. Sent it to every member of the Pack

22. And Billy

23. And Charlie

24. And Bella

25. And Edward, with a note that says "With love, from your secret admirer"

26. And basically everyone he knows

27. ask him why he isn't wearing a shirt

28. give him a flee collar for Christmas

29. act very offended when he doesn't wear it

30. Call him at 2 AM and say "You're going to die in seven days!"

31. Ask if he really imprinted on Edward

32. And why he hasn't come out of the closet

33. And when are they getting married

34. Say, "Oh, wait; he's already marring Bella, sucks for you."

35. Ask him who walks him

36. because Billy sure can't

37. Ask if he had anything to do with global warming

38. Say why after he says something

39. Every single time

40. Ask him how his Half-Brother is doing

41. Call him "Sharkboy"

42. Ask where Lavagirl is

43. Lock him with Leah for twenty days and see what happens

44. Dye his hair pink

45. Tell him that Edward RAPED Bella

46. But she still loves Edward more

47. Make him go to anger management

48. Get him a stress ball

49. Give him a buzz cut (thanks to Jacobluver4ever)

50. replace his shampoo with vampire saliva

51. make sure it's a gross/ugly vampire, like James

52. Or Aro

53. So that he smells like a vampire

54. And onions

55. Call him J-Dog …like a gangsta yo!

56. Key his car

57. Then crash it in the Forks police station

58. Make him watch TELETUBIES!!

59. Make him tattoo "I love Edward" on his butt

60. Make sure is a permanent tattoo

**A/N: Muahahaha!! Just kidding, i kind of like Jacob...but i LOVE Edward**

**Please Review!!**

**Up next is ...drumroll...Carlisle!!**


	4. Carlisle Cullen!

**A/N: Thank you, people who review, you rock!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of its characters, they are all property of Stephenie Meyer!!**

**Carlisle**

1. Tell him he's a hippie because he's a vegetarian

2. Whenever he's entering a room, yell "The British are coming! THE BRITHISH ARE COMING!!"

3. "Accidentally" tell Charlie about the vampires

4. And Mrs. Stanley

5. And the FBI

6. And the CIA

7. ….and Rita Skeeter

8. Ask him why he doesn't just get blood from the Blood Fairy

9. Constantly ask him if he plays doctor with Esme

10. When ever you speak to him use a _really_ bad British accent

11. Tell him Esme is cheating on him with the gardener

12. Throw his giant wooden cross at him

13. Tell him that it's opposite day and he has to eat a human

14. Call him "Stregoni Benefici"

15. Call him iCarly

16. Tell him you know about that human Aro dared him to eat

17. Dare him to eat a human

18. Tell him Aro has a crush on him

19. Use his stethoscope on him

20. Try to give him mouth-to-mouth when you don't hear anything

21. Or use the shocking thing, "Clear!"

22. Kill Esme

23. Tell him it was all his fault that Esme died

24. Ask if he does breast augmentations too

25. Ask if he has done any to Esme

26. Because they look _really_ fake

27. How about butt cheek implants

28. Eye his buttocks when you ask him this

29. Liposuction?

30. **BOTOX!!**

31. Call him "Dr. 90210"

32. Make him teach Sex Ed on national TV

33. Ask him where babies come from

34. Ask if he's sterile

35. And if that's the reason he can't have babies

36. Or is it for another reason?

37. Get him Viagra

38. Lock him in a room with Aro

39. For two months

40. Call him old

41. Bake him a birthday cake with 364 candles

42. When it's not his birthday

43. Cry when he doesn't eat it

44. Then throw it at him

45. Draw glasses on him with permanent marker

46. And a lighting scar

47. Call him Harry

48. Because he's British

49. Ask if he's seen Cedric (Edward)

50. Call him the Love Doctor

51. Call him at 3 AM

52. Say that your drowning and can't breathe

53. Give him an Afro

54. Dye his hair magenta

55. Shave off his eye brows

56. Sell them on the internet

57. Graffity his car

58. Make sure it says something along the lines of "I'm Gay"

59. Or "I love Aro!"

60. Then sell it on the internet.

**A/N: Yey, Next is Alice. **

**Remember to REVIEW!! and please, i need ideas!!**

**'till next time! D**


	5. Alice Cullen!

**A/N: Sorry it took a while to update, sorry :(, but i'd had homework and life...who needs that anyway?**

**Thank you to all you people who revied, you deserve a yellow 911 Tubo Porche! (maybe even Alice's)**

**Disclaimer: I Own Nothing!! **

**Alice**

1. Hide her credit cards

2. Throw away all of Bella's clothes and blame it on her

3. Paint her Porsche pitch black

4. Make sure it's a really bad paint job

5. Then crash the Porsche

6. or give it to Jacob to "fix" it

7. Then burn it

8. Say that you had nothing to do with it, even thought she "_saw"_ you dancing with Jacob around the car bonfire

9. Use her credit cards to go on a one million dollar shopping spree

10. Call her "midget"

11. Call her "shorty"

12.Say that her hair is "so 5 minutes ago"

13. Dye it purple

14. And then shave it all off

15. Ask every four minutes if she saw Bella and Edward "doing it" latter today

16. When she says no and asks why you're asking that say that you haven't said anything

17. Then advise her to go see a professional

18. Then call her a pervert for looking for _that_ part of her brother's future

19. Tell her Jasper is cheating on her with Maria

20. And Nettie

21. And Lucy

22. And Charlotte

23. And Peter

24. …And Bella

25. Tell her that Charlie doesn't like her anymore

26. Make her go see a shrink

27. Tell her that what happened at Bella's Birthday was all her fault

28. Tell her that James had a crush on her

29. Tell her that all the malls in the world have been burned to the ground

30. And Bella did it

31. And Edward helped

32. And that it was Jasper's idea

33. Burn all her clothes

34. Deny it

35. Blame Jasper for it

36. Give her a crystal ball for Christmas

37. Dress her up as Barney

38. Say that it's for Halloween

39. Make her go Trick-or-Treating with you

40. Make sure you do all this around June

41. Make her go on a date with Eric

42. Make her wear her old 80's clothes

43. In public

44. Make sure you have a camera

45. Get a spider monkey to do her make up

46. Cancel all her credit cards (thanks to Jacublover4ever)

47. Ask if she kept James' head **(From the MTV video! ;D)**

48. Ask if you can have it

49. Eat it **(Eww ;D)**

50. Offer her some

51. When she refuses, poke her until she eats it

52. Ask her if she wants more

53. Then make her eat Victoria's

54. Ask if she is related to Sybill Trelawney

55. Call her "Professor Trelawney"

56. Make her teach ballet

57. To the deer she just ate

58. Tell her Bella hates her

59. Tell her Jasper

60. Tell her that Jasper is not her soul mate because vamps don't have souls

**(thanks to i love the twilight series for #'s 29-31 and 33 :D)**

**Up next is Jasper!! Remember to REVIEW!!**


	6. Jasper Hale!

**A/N: Thank you all you people who revied!! Wow, over a thousand hits!! Yay! :) **

**Oh and sorry about posting the wrong numbers, Jacobluver4ever, but i fixed it! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Series or any of its characters, they are all property of the wonderful Stephenie Meyer! **

**That being said, here is Japer:**

**Jasper**

1. Tell him that Maria is coming for him

2. Lock him in a room with Bella while she's having her period

3. Whenever you see him yell "Humans are friends, not food"

4. Call him "emo"

5. Whenever he enters a room play the Emo kid song

6. Say that it's his new theme song

7. Make him eat antidepressants

8. Speak with a western accent whenever you talk to him, "Howdy partner"

9. Buy him a pack of tampons

10. When he asks, say that he's having his period

11. Because he's so moody

12. Or maybe he's pregnant!

13. Dye his hair black to go with his emo look

14. Get Alice to put eyeliner on him

15. Buy him skinny jeans

16. Lock him in a room with Emmett

17. Ask if he has a diary

18. Steal his diary

19. Read it out loud

20. In front of Emmett

21. Tease him about his carlessness

22. Tease him about his scars

23. Ask if he has any lighting-shaped ones

25. Say that he's lying about how he got them

26. And that he was using the Newborns as an excuse

27. But you know better

28. Say that they are emo-cutting scars

29. Ask him if he writes bad poetry

30. Tell him that Alice found his suicide notes

31. Accuse him of infecting Edward with his suicideness

32. Paint his entire room and everything in it yellow

33. Paint _him_ yellow

34. Say that is because Alice loves yellow

35. Diss Texas

36. In front of him

37. A lot

38. Tell him that you know about Maria's "rewards" cough

39. And that you are planning on telling Alice

40. Unless he gives you 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars

41. In cash

42. Get mad

43. Make sure he is near you

44.l Make sure he's near Bella's and Edward's "honeymoon"

45. Call him girlie

46. Poke his eyes out so that he can't read his chick-lit books

47. Tell him Maria is mad at him for cheating on her with Alice

48. Give him a glass of fruit punch

49. Say is blood

50. Make him eat it

51. All of it

52. Even the glass

53. Ask him how many make-overs has Alice given him this week

54. Call him stupid for fighting for the Confederacy

55. Throw cotton at him

56. Because he must LOVE it

57. Call him racists

58. And if because he's racists he likes white person blood better than African American person blood

59. Tell him that, because he needs to get over his racists problems, your sending him to therapy

60. Be near him when you're having your period

**A/N: Thanks to Jacublover4ever for #'s 42-44, to nUmERO1FAN for #'s 45 and 46, to little eli for #'s 47-49 and to IH8Abbrieviations for #'s 54, 57 and 58 **

**Again, thank you people who reviewed! I'm having trouble deciding who to write about next, so why i'm putting it to a vote! let me know by REVIEWING!! (muahaha i'm making you review!! :D**


	7. Rosalie Hale!

**A/N: Hello peoples, sorry it took so long, but i was busy and blah blah blah, (seriously, you don't want to hear it)**

**Anyway, howto annoy Rosalie:**

**Oh, and btw, ABORTION IS EEEEEEEEEEEEEVEL D!! **

**Rosalie**

1. Give her a Mohawk

2. Dye her hair blue

3. Ask if she's pregnant

4. because she looks fat

5. -er than usual

6. then say "Oh, wait, vampires can't get pregnant"

7. then laugh at her

8. call her ugly

9. Ask how Royce is

10. call her Mrs. King

11. Photoshop a picture of her and make her look ugly

12. Tell her that your pregnant you get to have a baby and that she doesn't

13. Tell her she smells like a werewolf

14. Tell her Emmett is cheating on her

15. With Bella

16. And with Carlisle

17. Say that she looks JUST like the girl in the cover of this month's _Playboy_

18. That Emmett told you about

19. Oh, wait, no, that girl was hotter

20. According to Emmett

21. Lock her in a room with Bella

22. Or with Edward

23. For three months

24. Tell he that Vera was prettier

25. Call her a whore

26. Call her a slut

27. Call her a bitch

28. Call her dumb blonde

29. Tell her "You mother is a fbeepbeep beeping beeeeeeep beep Ralph Lauren beeeep beep beep beep beep beep Nikki Reed beeping beeeeep beep beep beep raccoon b-beep beep hippopotamus beep beep beepbeep Republican beep beep Beeeeeeeeeeping Robert Pattinson beeeeeeeeep beep beep with a bucket of beep beep beep in a castle far away where no once can hear you beeeep beep beep soup beep beep beep Beep with a bucket of-beep beep beepbeep Mickey Mouse beepbeep a stick of dynamite beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sparkling beep beepbeeeeeeeeep Victoria's head beep beep and shove it up Jacob's beeeeeeeeeep !! **(hehe, the Elder swear from PPP, Twilefied)**

30. Whenever you see her yell "MY EYES! MY EYES! THEY BURN!!

31. When she is walks by sing "Barbie Girl" by Aqua at the top of your lungs

32. Say that it's her theme song

33. Ask her if Emmett "Undresses her everywhere"

34. Say that Ken is better than Emmett

35. Key her car

36. Tell her that Bella is pregnant

37. But she's going to have an abortion

38. So that she can became a

39. Because who would want to be pregnant forever, ew

40. Oh, and by the way, Emmett is the father

41. Ask her if she wants to keep the fetus

42. Or if she wants to eat it

43. For dinner

44. With salt

45. So that she could pretend to be pregnant, because it's going to be inside her belly

46. Get her a Costco-sized box of pregnancy tests

47. Cry because she doesn't use them

48. If she DOES use them, tell her that if she wants to be pregnant so much, she should became a hooker

49. Tell her that she looks like a prostitute

50. Ask if they first meat when Emmett…umm, "gave her money for her services"

51. Tell her that Emmett thinks she's horrible in bed

52. Advice her to go to therapy

53. Because she has some serious anger management issues

54. Make her get a job at a maternity store

55. Get Bella to ask if she gets a special "employee family" discount, since she's pregnant

56. Accuse her of not being a natural blonde

57. To prove it, tell her that Bella told you that Carlisle heard from Alice that Jasper told Edward that Esme was told by Emmett that she was not a natural blonde

58. Advice her to get plastic surgery

59. Because she desperately needs it

60. Tell her to brush her teeth more often

**A/N: Yes, some of them are cruel, you know i don'e really mean it, it's just for fun! And, LaylaGreen13, you'll find the link for the Rob-Smaks-Kristens-Butt in my profile and a video by the awsome NoMoreMarbles, who has inspired me so and has it in slow motion!!**

**A secial thanks to:Jacublover4ever 4 #'s 13,14**

**IH8Abbrieviations #'s 54 36 38 55**

**nUmERO1FAN for #'s 11-12 **

**Thanks you guys, and everybody who reviewed!!**

**Up next is ESME!!**

**REVEW!!**

**'K THANKS 8D!**


	8. Esme Cullen!

**A/N: Yay, finaly! Esme! **

**I want to thank all of you who reviewed, you people rock my socks and make me want to write/come up with more _really _weird ideas, so THANKS!**

**I just want to say sorry to Esme for all the horrible things i'm about to say, and to beg her to please don't ground me (**

**Okay, how to annoy Esme:**

**Esme**

1. Destroy her house

2. And her garden

3. Bur the mansion down

4. Blame it all on Carlisle

5. Tell her that Home Depot is going out of biasness

6. And it's all Bella's fault

7. And Edward helped

8. Tell her that Emmett burned down Low's

9. This time Carlisle helped

10. Ask her if she wants to go cliff diving

11. Ask her how Charles is doing

12. Ask her if she killed him, like Rosalie killed Royce

13. Ask her if she likes to play the "naughty nurse"

14. And if she has a costume

15. Make her bake you 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 cupcakes

16. Then make her eat them

17. Every single one

18. Call her fat

19. Tell her that Carlisle is cheating on her

20. With Aro

21. Tell her that before he meat her, he married Aro

22. But then Aro left him for Caius

23. So Carlisle married her to have something to do and not end up as Marcus

24. Ask her if Carlisle raped her when she was 16, and if that was the reason she had to marry Charles

25. Call her evil

26. Call her a pimp

27. Ask her if Carlisle is her hoe

28. Or is he her bitch

29. or is she HIS bitch

30. Give her a pimp cane

31. ask her if she's going to use it tonight on Carlisle –winiwinkcoughcough-

32. then give her a pimp hat

33. And a pimp suit

34. Ask her if she can "Pimp your Ride"

35. Then tell her that she is the only Cullen who doesn't have a vehicle (Jasper has that motorcycle)

36. Call her a hoe

37. Dare Carlisle to streak naked in the house

38. Make sure you take pictures

39. And post them on the internet

40. Make sure EVERYONE sees it (even President Bush)

41. Dare HER to streak naked in the house

42. Ditto pictures!

43. Get a stink bomb. Set it in the house

44. Or, more specifically, her room

45. Get a bucket of mud from the garden and splash it all over the living room

46. Then dance around telling her that she can't ground you because she's not your mom

47. Tell her Bella died

48. And Jacob raped her

49. And he also raped Edward

50. And Rosalie

51. And she's next

52. Tell her that Edward left Bella

53. And that means he's gay

54. Ask her if she ate her son

55. And if that was the reason he died

56. immediately after asking this ask her if she's a virgin

57. Tell her that all the nurses, and a few of the male doctors, raped Carlisle today at work

58. And you took pictures

59. And a video (which you posted on youtube)

60. Ask her if she wants to see them

**A/N: A special thanks to little eli for numbers 47 to 51 and i love the twilight series for numbers 5 to 8! **

**I would also like to say sorry to little eli for not posting her ideas on the last chapter**

**sorry i forgot (**

**Up next is Emmett!!**

**Remember to REVIEW!!**


	9. Emmett Cullen!

**A/N: I would like to apologize to any Aro fans if i offended you, i honestly did not meant to, regardless i'm sorry. (BTW, Aro is my favortite villan, you can call it "tough love")**

**Anyway, Emmett:**

**Emmett**

1. Drive his Jeep off a cliff

2. But before that, pint it hot pink

3. Dye his hair Canary Yellow

4. Then give him pigtails

5. Tell him bears are extinct

6. say it was all his fault

7. Accuse him of using steroids

8. call him stupid

9. Subscribe him to _Playboy_

10. Make sure Rosalie finds out

11. Tell him the Rosalie is cheating on him

12. With Edward

13. And Lauren…

14. Ask him if werewolf blood tastes better than bear

15. call him Henry

16. Tell him he reminds you of Henry

17. Tell him that Rosalie loved Henry

18. "Accidentally" forget to tell him that Henry was a baby

19. Make him have a slap fight with Jacob

20. Then with Jasper

21. And then with Edward

22. Say that he's gay

23. And that he married Rosalie just to make Jasper jealous

24. Make him wear a Speedo

25. Take pictures of him and post them in the school newspaper

26. Tell him that Rosalie did it with Eric

27. then with Mike

28. 7645345 times

29. Make him dress in drag

30. Make him enter a Drag Queen Contest

31. Tell him that you've seem teddy bears scarier than him

32. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath

33. Give him a bottle of shampoo for Christmas

34. Make him take a shower

35. In front of the entire school

36. Make sure you have a video camera with you, film everything that happens and post it on Youtube

37. Name the video "Emmett's itty-bitty 'friend'"

38. Make sure Rosalie sees it

39. Lock him in a room with Barney

40. For about a week

41. Tell him he needs to go on a diet

42. Call him fat

43. Every ten seconds

44. Call him evil because he eats endangered species

45. Threaten to tell the environmentalists about it

46. Unless he promise to stop eating them

47. When he cracks, whack him with a Teletubbies DVD

48. Steal his copy of Kama Sutra (Because we all know he has one)

49. Tell him that James borrowed it

50. Burn it

51. Burry the remains

52. Laugh at him when he goes to James and ask him for his book back

53. When he buys a new one, steal it

54. This time tell him it was Sam who borrowed it

55. Tell him if he wants it back, he has to cross the treaty line

56. Sent him a dead chinchilla to the hospital when he gets beaten up by the werewolves

57. Say that is for aroma therapy

58. Make sure the chinchilla stays in his room

59. Even when he leaves the hospital, make sure that it's in the same room he's in

60. After about a month, make him eat it

**A/N: Again thank you people who reviewed and a special thank you to i love the twilight series for numbers 9 and 10, little eli for numbers 12-19, and to IrisOfTheRainbow for numbers 22 ans 23!**

**Hey, can you guys check out my new story? It's called the 107 year old virgin (I got that from Edwrad's list xD) Anyway, please check that out, and review, tell me if you liked it, if you think it sucked, anything.**

**Remember to REVIEW!!**

**Next is...Caius!! (Hey, they only told me to lay off Aro, nodoby said anything about Caius!)**


	10. Caius Vulturi!

**A/N: THANK YOU, PEOPLE WHO REVIEWED!! YOU EFFING ROCK!! :D**

**Sorry it took me so long, i was working on my new fanfic, the 107 year old virgin!!check it out, please and Review!!**

**To Crystalslythering: Wow, thank for the offer, that would be great! (BTW, i know spanish, but i'm too lazy to transilate it, gracias, si necesitas ayuda, si quieres te puedo ayudar :) )**

**Now that that's out of the way, Caius:**

**Caius**

1. Say "Turn that frown up side down"

2. Draw him a mustache in permanent marker

3. Put a smiley face sticker in his forehead

4. And a star on his cheek

5. Be happy around him

6. Take him to Disneyland

7. Make him go on "It's a small world"

8. Thirty times

9. Buy him a Mickey mouse hat

10. Make him wear it

11. Superglue it to his head

12. lock him in a room with Emmett

13. And that "Leave Britney Alone" guy

14. For two months

15. Poke him

16. A lot

17. Dye his hair RAINBOW!!

18. Ask if he's gay

19. Make him go on a gay pride parade

20. Ask him if he's a virgin

21. Buy him a condom

22. Tell him to use it when he's "doing it"

23. With Aro (sorry, I couldn't help myself)

24. Ask him grapes

25. Purple grapes

26. Give him a hug

27. Call him crazy for talking to you

28. Because everybody knows that the 1st sing of insanity is talking to your food

29. Tell him that he "So needs to redecorate"

30. Call him a pervert for only having girl guards

31. Give him a bikini for Christmas

32. Say that is from Carlisle

33. Make him wear it

34. In front of the WHOLE guard

35. Take pictures

36. Sell them to some European Magazine

37. Subscribe him to that magazine

38. Without his permission

39. Convince Jane that he want her to torture him

40. "S&M much?"

41. Call him an old hag

42. Make him watch 12 hours of Barney non-stop

43. Sent him to anger management

44. Make him do your homework

45. Make him do other kid's homework that they paid you to do for them

46. With the money you make, buy him a pickle

47. Make him eat it

48. Tell him that he has a zit

49. Try to pop it

50. Use a wrench when squeezing it doesn't work

51. Ask him if he's albino

52. Use his name in a game of lemon. Show him what he did (explanation in the bottom)

53. Ask him if he knows how to make pizza

54. Make him bake you one

55. Ask him if it's blood-flavored

56. Force feed him the pizza

57. Tickle him

58. Until he pees

59. Buy him a dipper

60. Make him wear it

**A/N: Explanation: Lemon is a game my friends and i play at lunch when we're bored. Basically, you take four guys write their names on paper, four girls, write their names down, then four things you do to a lemon (hence the name), write them down, then write four body parts. When your done with that, pick four diferent orders for the numbers 1,2,3, and 4. And your done! Match all the numbers (one's with one's, two's with two's and so on). And example of what it would look like(by the way, this one we got today, we were doing HP characters) Voldemort (name of a guy) squeezes (thing you do to a lemon) random prostitute's (we couldn't think of a name) butt (body part)**

**Up Next is Charlie!!**

**Remember to REVIEW!!**


	11. Charlie Swan!

**A/N: Sorry it took so long, but, believe it or not, i've been busy. Hard to believe, huh? **

**OMFC!! I can't effing wait for Sunday!! MTV! I LOVE YOU!! :D!! --insert fangirlish squeal--**

**Anyway, -clears throat-**

**Charlie**

1. Tell him that Edward has spent almost every night in with Bella in her room

2. Tell him about Edward's driving

3. Tell him that Bella is going to marry Edward

4. And not Jacob

5. Tell him that Edward is a vampire

6. Tell him that Edward's going to turn Bella into a vampire

7. Tell him that he will never see his daughter again

8. Ever

9. Because she'll kill him

10. And Bella knows it

11. And she's still going to marry Edward

12. Tell him that Jacob and the rest of the La Push boys are werewolves

13. And Billy knew and didn't tell him

14. And Bella knew and didn't tell him

15. And the Cullens knew and didn't tell him

16. Tell him the truth about Emily's scars

17. Give him a copy of Bella's "honeymoon"

18. Call him "Sheriff"

19. Ask him why he hasn't come out of the closet

20. Say that you know what he _really_ does while "fishing" with Billy

21. And that you have pictures to prove it

22. Threaten to expose him to Bella and the rest of Forks

23. Steal his handcuffs

24. Tell him that Edward borrowed them

25. To use on Bella cough

26. Ask him if he wants to join them

27. Offer to call Billy so he can also join them

28. Tell him that Edward raped Bella

29. And got her pregnant

30. But she isn't sure if the baby's Edward's or Jacob's

31. Or Mike's

32. …Or his

33. Graffiti his car

34. Graffiti his house

35. Graffiti his head

36. Ask him if he's that guy in the "Boys Gone Wild" video

37. That you borrowed from Bella

38. Tell him that the reason that he doesn't like Bella dating Edward is because he has a crush. on Edward

39. Turn off the main power switch to his house

40. Right before his favorite team scores

41. Prank call him as Edward

42. At 2 AM

43. Tell him that you've kidnapped Bella

44. And you're going to kill her

45. And the only way to get her back is to go immediately to her room

46. Dye his hair half blue and half red

47. Say that it matches his car

48. Give him a Mohawk

49. Dye said Mohawk white

50. Tell him that he looks like the Pepsi logo

51. Give him a copy of _Renée's_ "honeymoon"

52. Hack his IM

53. Talk to people with strange names (ex: KittyCat69, Pop'NCheRy32)

54. Set him on a blind date

55. With a dude

56. That's not Billy

57. Ask him when was the last time he did it

58. With a women

59. Make him have "the talk" with Bella again

60. In front of Edward

**A/N: Aging a special thanks to i love the twilight series for number 38**

**I'm running out of ideas, so what charaxter do you want me to write about next? REVIEW to let me know!! (reviewing if fun!! :D)**


	12. Mike Newton!

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait! I blame procrastination. Anyway, I _will_ write stories faster from now on. i just needed to refill my imagination tanks (not that i have any). Just a reminder that i love all the twilight characters and will never (most likely) do this stuff to them. **

**ok you people voted and the next victim is...(Drum roll) Mike!**

**ok so i wrote #'s 1-50 before i read Breaking dawn and was too lazy to change them.**

**Warning : numbers 51 through 60 are Breaking Dawn Spolires, read at your own risk!**

1. Tell him that Bella hates him

2. Tell him that she's going to marry Edward

3. And not him

4. Tell him that Bella is pregnant

5. And it's not his

6. Ask him if he's gay

7. And if that was the reason Jessica dumped him

8. Ask him if he has a crush on Edward too

9. Show him Bella's "honeymoon"

10. Record his reaction

11. Post it in YouTube

12. Convince him that getting a Mohawk is the only way to win Bella

13. Steal all his Britney Spears CDs

14. Burn them

15. Tell him that Edward did it

16. Tell him that Bella is lesbo

17. And that she's secretly dating Jessica

18. Laugh at him

19. Say that it proves that anyone can date Bella, except him

20. Call him "Mikeypoo"

21. Constantly ask him if he's related to Isaac Newton

22. Convince James that it was MIKE who stole his Oreos and Cookie Crunch

23. Tell everyone in the school that he has multiple STD's

24. Dye his hair black

25. Say that it's for his new "Emo" look

26. Constantly ask him when was the last time he cut himself

27. Get him a bone for Christmas

28. Because he acts like a golden retriever

29. rob his parent's store

30. dressed as him

31. Lock him in a room with Barney

32. with a plate of horseradish and a dead bear

33. "Forget" that you did that and "remember" three years later

34. Constantly ask him if he's related to Isaac Newton

35. whenever you say this, comment that it's too bad that he didn't inherit the "Smart Genes"

36. Give him wedgies

37. a lot

38. ask him if he has met Aro

39. Lock him in a room with Aro

40. Don't bother to go back

41. Tell Jessica that he was cheating on her with Lauren

42. then give her a baseball bat

43. ask him if he's still a virgin

44. because Edward sure isn't

45. and neither is Bella

46. And that Jessica is still 1/4 though

47. Because she did it with Lauren

48. And his mom

49. Ask if he's done it with Eric

50. Or Tyler

**--Breaking Dawn spoilers--**

**-**

**-**

**-**

**-**

51. Convince him to call Renesmee "Nessie" in front of Bella

52. make him go alone in the woods in the middle of the night

53. hope that one of the Cullens' friends is still around and hunting

54. Make him arm wrestle with Emmett

55. And Bella

56. At the same time

57. Some how get him pregnant with Joham's half-vampire child

58. when he starts complaining about his broken bones, tell him is just indigestion

59. Tell the Volturi that he knows about vampires

60. Laugh while the Volturi drink his blood

-

-

-

-

**A/N: Yay! ok i can't help myself so i'm just going to do it, next is ARO! yay! (-does a happy dance-)**

**ok see you next time! and remember to REVIEW!!**


	13. Aro Vulturi!

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update :( but high school has been brutal. And over the summer i discovered MCR, wich toatlly distracted me **

**Anyway i'm already working on the next one, hopefully it won't be as late as this one.**

**WARNING: CONTAINS BREAKING DAWN SPOILERS, sort of**

**How to Annoy Aro:**

1. Tell him that Carlisle doesn't like him any more

2. Call him a pedophile for kissing Jane on the lips

3. Ask him if he eats onions

4. Like A LOT

5. Help Dracula 1 and Dracula 2 destroy his castle

6. Get Jane to zap him whenever he says the word "Friend"

7. Or "Wonderful"

8. Or "I want Carlisle in my pants!"

9. Because we all know he says that all the time

10. Accuse him of thinking Bald Britney Spears is sexy

11. Ask him if he's every done it with Jane

12. Or Carlisle

13. Or Caius

14. Ask him if he ate that painter (the one who painted that picture in Carlisle's office)

15. Ask him if he knows Voldemort

16. Tell him that Darth Vader is his father

17. Call him Luke

18. Tell him that Carlisle wants to see his light saver

19. Whenever he talks to you tell him "These are not the droids your looking for"

20. Wave your arms mysteriously whenever you do this

21. Dye his hair blonde

22. Get him to audition on Legally Blonde: The Musical; The search for Elle Woods

23. Make him wear high heals for a month

24. Constantly remind him that the fans like the Cullens best

25. Make him go to a strip club

26. A gay strip club

27. …naked

28. Pants him

29. Buy him the Hannah Montana CD

30. Make him GO to a Hannah Montana concert

31. Make him go see HSM3

32. Tell him that they're planning to make HSM 4

33. And that Miley Cyrus is gonna pay the protagonists

34. And that he's going to play the lead male part

35. Mail him a box of extra absorbent tampons

36. Make him ask Gianna if they're hers

**(A/N: seriously you guys, do you think Aro has ever used a tampon? He IS freakishly curious…)**

37. Steal his shoes

38. Make him dress up as a fairy princess for Halloween

39. Or a butterfly

40. Make him go trick or treating with you

41. Then take all his candy

42. Because he can't eat it

43. Cause he's dead (Muahahahahahasort of)

44. Ask him why does he touch people so much

45. And if he wants to tough someone, he should touch his wife

46. Not his brothers

47. Or his "friends" coughCarlislecough

48. No matter how much he wants to

49. Say profanities every other word whenever you speak to/near him

50. Play "Blood" by MCR whenever his near

51. Say it's the Volturi's new theme song

52. Tell him that the Cullens are way cooler that he will ever be

53. Make him cry

54. Make fun of him because he doesn't have a holiday

55. Unlike Markus

56. Kidnap him and tide him up

57. Draw all over him with a sharpie pen

58. give him a wedgy

59. Make him be on Saw VI

60. Make sure he loses his arm or leg or some thing

**A/N: Thank all you people wjo revied and for those ideas, i really apresiate it!**

**Don't forget to REVIEW!! And give me ideas so i have this sooner.**

**next is Jane **


	14. Jane Vulturi!

**A/N: GAH! I'm so late AGAIN!!!! grrrrr**

**But i'm already working on the next one so hopefully i should have it done by next week. **

**I can't wait until Saturday!!! (The Twilight DVD release) Maybe i could get more ideas for future chapters =:)**

**WARNING: CONTAINS MILD BREAKING DAWN SAPOILERS**

**no harm meant to any other characters on this one, just than Jane**

**Jane Vulturi**

1. Call her a witch

2. Or the Wicket Witch Of the West

3. Or the WWW for short

4. Tell every one that her last name is "Com"

5. And her middle name is "Dot"

6. Get Bella to join the Vulturi

7. Constantly remind her that Aro likes Alice better than her

8. Accuse her of having a crush an Aro

9. Ask her if she likes onions

10. Because she likes Aro

11. Tell her that Alec is her evil twin

12. I mean evil-er twin

13. Ask her if she's every done it with Aro

14. Or Alec

15. Ask her is she likes S&M

16. Tell her that Nessie is prettier than her

17. Nessie as in the Log ness monster

18. Get Alice to give her a makeover

19. Make sure she uses lots of pink

20. Tell her that Voldemort is her father

21. And that the Easter Bunny is her mother

22. Tell her that Aro likes Alec better

23. Ask her if she has a mate

24. Two words: Middle. Finger

25. Help Kate avenge her sister and kill Jane

26. Ask her how Tarzan is doing

27. Get her a monkey for Christmas

28. Give her a picture of Aro naked

29. Call her power "The Force"

30. Whenever Bella is around tell her "The force is strong on this one"

31. The maker her watch Star Wars in a confusing non-chronological order

32. Die her hair (yes I said DIE!!!)

33. Ask her if she wears a bra

34. Or underwear

35. Call her Dakota

36. Tell Aro that she's just PMS-ing and that's why she's so moody

37. Then get him to make her use a tampon

38. And then after, get him to give her "The Talk"

39. Make her go to school

40. Starting with Kindergarten

41. Make Bella be the teacher

42. Make her do a 686,275,149,763,978 word essay on how wonderful Bella is

43. Or how manly Zack Efron is, instead

44. Then give her an F

45. Minus

46. Giver her detention

47. Make her scrape the gum off the floor

48. With her teeth

49. Give her a swirly

50. Constantly ask her if she likes Hannah Montana

51. Lock her in a room with Quil

52. Somehow take away her power

53. Then laugh at her

54. And sing "Can't touch this"

55. Make her go to yoga classes

56. Tell her that Alec's power is better than hers

57. Make her go to rehab

58. Tell her that Aro's going to fire her

59. And that Gianna is going to take her place

60. Or maybe Bella

**A/N: YAY!!! No harm meant to Quil or the kindergartens.**

**REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!**

**Next is.....TANYA! dun-duun-dun**


	15. Tanya Denali!

**A/N: SPRING BREAK IS HERE!!! HORRAY!!!!!**

**Okay, now that i have some time to get things done here's my ramble about the DVD/Overall Movie:**

**Skip if you want**

**-------RAMBLE---------**

**So i got the target 3 disk edition. I thought that the container thingamajig was vamptastic. I mean _the box sparkled_! How cool is that?! The commentary was pretty funny, i liked how they pointed out some background stuff that i hadn't noticed before. But my favorite part was Rob saying "Never trust a guy who plucks his eyebrows". It's funny listening complain about it over and over. Oh, and another thing, if they're going to make an anime vertion of the movie, then either i have to learn Japanese, buy the Japanese DVD (via Ebay) and see it, or die. I don't normaly watch alot of anime, but when it comes to twilight, i'll do _anything!!!_**

**The movie was pretty good, or at least better than i expected (I ecpected it much much worse). The plot was okay, considering the changes, i do like the ending with the prom and the kiss at the end was so cute. I loved it! The special effects did left something to be disired. Like in the baseball scene when edward and Emmett crashed and the lightning, i thought that was pretty cheesy. Also the part when Edward runs with Bella for the first time looked pretty fake. The sparkling was pretty decent and the beging title sequence was awsome, though the song could have been much better, plus it reminds me more of New Moon that of Twilight. The makeup was horrible, hands down. But do i really need to say this? I think everyone noticed. Hopefully with all the money the movie made, they'll have better makeup and special effects for the New Moon. The deer scene, i don't know why, i _just don't like it_. It looks too cheesy.**

** The soundtrack sucked (for me at least, no offence to those who loved it). Some of the songs where great, like Decode by Paramore, and Leave out all the rest by Linkin Park, i alo liked Flightless bird, tough i stll don't get how it's related to twilight, but it was good background for the scene. Other than that they seriusly F*** it up with the soundtrack. Music _is _the heart of Twilight, it was written with music. Music is , and i cannot emphasis this enough, _so important _and so influential, a happy song makes you dance and sing, a sad song makes you symphatize with it. And the soundtrack just doesn't sound like what i hear when i read twilight. But, with a new director, i really hope New Moon's soundtrack will not suck so hard.**

**--------RAMBLE--------**

**Sorry about that, i just really needed to get it out before i exploted.**

**Anyway, without furder ado, here's TANYA!!!**

How to annoy Tanya

1. Tell her that Edward hates her

2. Then laugh at her

3. Tell her that she's the only one with out a mate

4. Constantly remind her of Irina

5. Tell her that it was all her fault that she died

6. Call her a succubus

7. Call her a whore

8. Call her a slut

9. Ask her if she has a pimp

10. Tell her that she's dumber that Rosalie

11. Call her a Dumb Blonde

12. Remind her that Edward doesn't love her

13. And that he did it with Bella

14. SIX TIMES (At least in BD. not that I'm counting…. *shifty eyes*)

15. Make her dress up as Bella for Halloween

16. So that Edward will love her

17. Make her get herpes

18. John-Tucker-Must-Die Style

19. Then give her real herpes

20. Tell her that that's what she gets for being a whore

21. Convince her that going gay is the only way to get Edward

22. Get an immortal kid and blame it on her

23. Tease her about not having a last name

24. Call her an Eskimo

25. Accuse her of making the polar bears an endangered species

26. Tell her that Edward hates blondes

27. Then shave her head

28. When she complains, tell her that it's to help her get Edward

29. Then laugh at her because it will never grow back

30. Give her a copy of BD, chapter 5

31. Remind her of her dead mom

32. With Yo Mama jokes (example: Yo mama is sooooo dead, she's….)

33. Tell her that she loved the little kid more than she loved her

34. Make her dress up as Strawberry Shortcake

35. Cause she's a strawberry blonde

36. Ask her if she likes to be dipped in chocolate

37. Tell her that Edward doesn't' like her because she's a strawberry blonde

38. And that he prefers brunettes

39. Like Bella

40. Constantly suggest that she hooks up with Jacob until she agrees

41. Then remind her Jacob already imprinted

42. Tell everyone that she's planning on kidnapping Nessie

43. And pretending that she's her daughter

44. Call her desperate

45. Sent her on a date with Erick

46. Tell her that it's with Edward

47. Make fun of her because she has no power

48. And that that's also a reason why Edward hates her

49. Ask her if she uses protection

50. Make her watch 50 hours of Hannah Montana nom-stop

51. Make her go audition to replace Miley Cyrus as Hannah

52. Because she has so many thing in common

53. And that she won't need a wig!

54. Tell her that Edward thinks she has a squishy butt

55. And that she needs to get Carlisle to give her surgery

56. Make her replace the Girls Next Door in the playboy mansion

57. Because she's blonde

58. Ask her why are some condoms flavored

59. Mishear everything she says

60. Make sure you "hear" sexual or embarrassing stuff (Ex: Oh _bird_, I thought you said _sperm_)

**A/N: Thanks to Auto-Alchemechanicist** **numbers 37-39**

**Up Next is......**

**.....**

**....**

**...(goes to eat subway)**

**....(30 mins latter)**

**....LEAH!!!!!**

**Don't forget to review!!!!! What was your oppinion of the DVD? What are some of your ideas on how to toture Leah?**


	16. Leah Clearwater!

**A/N: Finally! I'm aliveeee!11**

**anyway, sorry it's been so long. I just sort of fell off the super-twilight-obsessed wagon. I still love it, it' just that I'm not a rabid fan anymore...I blame the movies...**

**I decided to just stop procrastinating and finish the chapter. I just had to do it when i saw that i had almost 200 reviews. I just couldn't keep you guys waiting for sooo long anymore. You guys are SUPER AWESOME! Thank you so much for reviewing, you make this worthwhile :)**

**So yeah, this will probably be the last chapter :( I just don't know what else to put without being too repetitive and completely random and put things that don't even apply to the character. But maybe if you guys want i'll do one more...**

**Anyway, sorry this isn't too funny, like i said, I'm running out of ideas.**

**How to annoy Leah :**

1. Be Sam. Be alive

2. Be Sam. Hate Leah

3. Marry Emily.

4. And not Leah

5. Have sex with Emily

6. And not Leah

7. Live Happily Ever After with Emily

8. And not Leah

9. Refuse Leah's offer of being secret lovers

10. Ask her when her wedding is

11. Call her Lee-lee

12. In front of the whole Pack

13. And the Cullens

14. And the Volturi

15. And Voldermort

16. Tell her she's a bitch

17. Literally

18. Instead of yoga classes send her to the Canadian Hockey Team

19. Make her go see Hannah Montana: The Movie

20. Then buy her the DVD

21. Lock her in a room and force her to see is for 82 hours strait

22. With no bathroom breaks

23. And with Aro

24. Remind her that she will never imprint on anyone

25. Because she's menopausal

26. Tell her that the pack has pictures of her naked

27. Make her go to Sam's wedding

28. Remind her that the tribe is only proud of Taha Aki's SONS

29. Call her "Princess Leia"

30. Superglue those cinnamon rolls Edward made to her head

31. Make fun of her because she got so little screen time

32. And that half of it, it was just CGI

33. Ask her if she has more than two nipples

34. Because she's a dog

35. Ask her if she likes it doggy style with Sam

36. Buy her a fluffy pink walking collar

37. Ask her if she's related to Penelope Clearwater

38. Tell her its all her fault that Eclipse is nominated as the worst movie

39. Ask her if she has abs

40. Tell her that she's fat

41. Whenever you see her say to her "What's up DOG?"

42. Then say, "I'm sorry, I meant BITCH"

43. Whenever she's having one of her bitchy moods, tell everyone that she's just PMSing

44. Then "apologize' by telling everyone that she can't PMS-because she's menopausal

45. Consequently, continue telling everyone that it's all because of her heat flashes

46. Then tell her that on the bright side, she doesn't have to worry about contraceptives

47. Ask her which one of the pack has the largest

48. Because it certainly isn't her

49. When she answers you, call her a perv

50. Then ask for the exact measures

51. Get her to get you pictures of the Pack naked

52. Ask her if she carries an extra bra

53. Forget to add that your mean when she transforms

54. For her birthday, buy her a pack of tampons

55. And a pack of pads

56. Every morning ask her is she imprinted yet

57. Constantly ask her if her mom and Charlie have done it yet

58. Remind her that she will never EVER be able to have kids

59. And that she's make a horrible mother

60. Tell her it's her fault her dad died

**A/N: Okay, sorry, but those last three were just way too harsh. Believe it or not, I actually like Leah. I feel so bad for her and the fact that she didn't get a happy ending. :(**

**PLEASE REVIEW! okay now I'm off to work on my other stories...**


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